


Karkat Vantas and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Super Long Day

by notwest



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Exhibitionism, Humanstuck, Just because it’s not said I’m imagining them both to be around 26, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Public Sex, Teasing, This is 13K of porn, Trans Dave Strider, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 02:04:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14486418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notwest/pseuds/notwest
Summary: Your arousal flares as Dave’s lips brush against your ear and you gasp. When he speaks, it’s in a breathy whisper.“Hey Karkat, do you wanna play a little game?”“That depends,” you say, heavily aware of the way his hands are roaming across your body, leaving little trails of sparks that tingle and light up like he’s striking a match against your skin. “Are you about to suggest something extremely stupid, or just stupid?”





	Karkat Vantas and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Super Long Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nomisupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomisupernova/gifts).



> Big shout out to the Karkat Thirst Discord, where this was live-jammed over a week or so.
> 
> BIG shout out to my friend kishi aka nomisupernova, who supplied the world's best prompt. 
> 
> Enjoy!

You’ve learned that there are few things in life that taste better than Dave. In fact, after careful consideration, you think tasting Dave, exploring him, and finding those places on his skin that make him quiver and sigh your name is the greatest pleasure in your life.

You’re both lying in bed, limbs tangled with a single bedsheet scrunched messily between you. It’s late morning and the sun peeks through mostly closed shutters, bathing you both in a gentle light.

You take your time exploring as much of his body you can reach without moving yours, dragging your tongue across the rise of his collarbones and dipping into his valley of his neck. His skin is slick with sweat and hot to the touch. A persistent, gentle warmth blooms through you and you rock your hips against him in long, steady strokes. His only responses to you are desperate pants and needy pushes against your dick. You’re extremely glad it’s too early in the morning for him to be formulating coherent words.

You nudge Dave to roll over and attach yourself to the outline of his back, quickly fitting yourself into the space between his thighs. You rock your hips teasingly, rubbing your cock up against his folds. His entrance is slick with both his arousal and yours, and you moan in tandem.

“Dave... fuck,” you pant. You run your hand up and down the thigh you can reach, then lift the entire leg up toward his chest to spread him wide.

When you push against him again your cock brushes his clit and he keens. You repeat the motion, enjoying both the teasing slide of wetness and Dave's gasped chants of approval.

”Oh fuck, Karkat, _fuck!_ ”

He turns his head back and forth, letting out soft moans as you adjust your angle enough to slip inside and finally start to fuck into him. You kiss as much of him as you can, but mostly focus on his back and the steady rock of your bodies as pleasure winds tightly inside of you.

Neither of you says much else, but you hold Dave tightly in the soft light of the morning, touching him, running your hand over his chest, over his nipples and scars; then further down, using your fingers to rub firm circles into his clit without mercy, determined to watch him fall apart.

You feel the clench before you hear him cry out and he’s beautiful. You decide you like him like this best, when he’s utterly wrecked and quaking in your arms, barely able to say a goddamn word past your own name. It’s a heavenly feeling, and you revel, mind utterly blitzed out as your cock slides over and over into the tightened slick warmth. You feel the tension in your gut and quicken your pace, prepared to to follow him over--

“Aw, look at you, all worked up and hot under my tongue, you look like a dream, I swear to god you’re beautiful Karkat.”

Dave’s voice floats into your ear, but it’s not the Dave you’re holding, pushing into, it’s… _different_ , like it’s coming from another plane of reality. You groan, because you’re so close, just a few more seconds… but then things start to shift, and you’re being yanked away from your orgasm, away from Dave, away from the soft sunny morning. You wake up to a dark room and your arms are empty, you're sweating and panting loudly, with hot arousal running through your body like a forest fire.

\---

Dave looks up at you from his place between your legs and winks. He’s at the foot of your bed with his mouth inches away from your cock, which is hard and bobbing in front of his face. You thrust your hips up desperately, your brain still working frantically to try to understand what’s going on, but it’s becoming pretty clear. His face is flushed, lips pink and glistening from what you assume was his merry way of saying good fucking morning.

“Good morning,” Dave actually says then, and now that you can hear it clearly, his voice is low and rough. He smiles and you let out a groan, it’s devilish. He drags himself a little up your body, and rests his head on your stomach.

“Good morning,” you return, a little embarrassingly whiny.

You guys have had more than your fair share of morning sex, but you’ve never woken him up or been woken up with sex. You’ve talked about if before, with both of you agreeing that it was something you were interested in doing. It’s delightful yet frustrating, not to mention that you’re still keyed up from the dream and whatever magic Dave was working on you with his mouth. You feel your cock twitch, still hard, against his bare chest.

He speaks against your skin. “I’ve always wanted to do that. Wake you up with a little dick in cheek action, really get some good practice in while you flew around in slumberland and boy was it was pretty amazing, Kar, you’re amazing. Not to mention that I’m wetter than fucking wet down there, like goggle up kids we’re gonna take a ride down the Lazy River and then beeline it straight to the top of Splash Mountain in our plastic log flume–”

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up,” you groan, visualizing dream Dave and his blissful silence.

“You know you love it,” he says, as he starts to wiggle his way up your body like a fucking worm. You can practically feel yourself crawling back into your own head, the warm heat of arousal fading away as he places wet kisses over every part of you that you hate. The stretch marks on your hips, the creases in your stomach where it folds into itself, the peaks of your nipples. He kisses them reverently, like they’re not hideous, and you fight the urge to cover your face with your hands.

“I don’t love it. Here’s a fact, I am feeling exactly the opposite of love for it. Want another fact? Every noise that emerges from your obnoxious wind hole immediately makes me want to jump head first into the nearest toilet. Believe me, if I could I would duct tape your lips shut like some hostage in a shitty ransom movie, tie your limbs to a chair and then and only then, I would have my way with you.”

“That can be arranged,” Dave says smoothly, still working a trail up your chest. You just huff.

He finally makes his way to your ear. He’s breathing loudly, and you can feel the wet trail he leaves as he grinds himself hard against your thigh.

Oh _fuck_.  
  
Your arousal flares as Dave’s lips brush against your ear and you gasp. When he speaks, it’s in a breathy whisper.

“Hey Karkat, do you wanna play a little game?”

“That depends,” you say, heavily aware of the way his hands are roaming across your body, leaving little trails of sparks that tingle and light up like he’s striking a match against your skin. “Are you about to suggest something extremely stupid, or just stupid?”

Dave lets out a breathy laugh and shifts so he’s lying beside you, and you wrap your arms around his lower waist to pull him closer, despite your words. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he says. “Okay. There are only two rules.”

He resumes his insistent grinding. You can tell he’s just as worked up as you are. His breaths are closer to fast pants, and he’s clinging to you like a koala to a fucking eucalyptus tree.

He continues, “Rule one is you can’t touch yourself.”

You open your mouth to say something but he quickly puts his mouth to yours before you can. It goes from zero to one hundred real fucking fast as you both dissolve into the kiss. It’s open mouthed and messy; it’s the kind of kiss that has you wanting you go deeper and deeper, doing all you can to all but absorb him into your bloodstream, _fuck_. You’re fully hard again in seconds.  
  
“Rule two,” he says, pulling away to catch his breath, “Is that you can’t come until I say you can.”

 _Oh_. You vaguely recall yet another conversation where this was brought up and agreed upon between you as something of interest. You don’t know if you’re entirely happy that today is the day Dave has decided to try it out, though.

“Okay,” you say. It may be against your better judgement, but with him hot and squirming in your arms, you are pretty far past talking about anymore dumb shit he has planned, and your mind is quickly settling on a one way track. You put one hand on Dave’s ass to turn him over, intent on recreating that same dreamy position you were awoken from earlier. He goes easily and you move in, grinding hastily against him and getting in between his thighs so your cock presses up against his clit in the way you know he loves. You hear his breath hitch and you reach a hand down to his thigh, fully intending to lift one up so you can slide into that wet warmth and fuck him straight into oblivion; but instead Dave grabs your hand with such suddenness that you look up with alarm.

“What?” you growl. You’re annoyingly pent up right now, and expressly do not have any more time for bullshit.

He scoots out of place and you die a little. “Sorry ‘Kat. We got shit to do today. Well. You might not. But I gotta get ready for work.”

“Fuck!” you moan. Not! Again! What kind of soul-sucking eternal hell have you wandered into this morning?

You can barely stop your hips from moving on their own accord. Dave’s hand is still on yours. He gives you a level look. “Remember what we agreed.”

He hops up and out of bed and you flop onto your back, defeated. As he walks to the door you eye his body longingly, like it’s a mirage of a cool lake in a arid desert.

“Dave, _please_.” Apparently you’re not above begging. Fuck this game already. Fuck it hard in all the ways you’re currently not fucking Dave. Your dick throbs angrily.

“Sorry babe, I can’t be late again. But I might have some time after breakfast,” he says, and winks.

 _Bastard_ , you think as you watch his bare ass walk through the bedroom door.

What the fuck! You lie on the bed, breathing harshly. You could touch yourself, but know you won’t. Hell, if you guys are gonna play this game then you’re not going to give in.

\---

It’s the smell of sizzling butter and bacon that finally becons you from the bed, convinces you to put on some clothes and go into the kitchen after Dave.

You’ve finally calmed down, but when you enter the kitchen you’re unable to stop the small noise of surprise that that leaves your mouth. Dave is standing at the stove, cooking what looks to be bacon and eggs. But what has you squeaking like a mouse after cheese is not that. It’s the fact that he’s wearing a red apron and not a stitch else.

You gape in the doorway, drinking in the excellent view of his slender back and ass. “Hey babe,” he says, without turning around. “Have a seat and let me whip you up an omelette.”

“It’s extremely unsanitary to be cooking without clothes on,” you grumble, but shuffle to a seat at the kitchen island anyway. You may be loathe to admit it, but Dave makes a damn good omelette.

Naked, Dave is always a sight to behold, but this morning really is a different beast. As you watch him bustle around the kitchen, grabbing this and that, you are struck with an unfathomable lust. Your eyes glaze over as visions of bending him over the kitchen counter to your mercy and splitting him wide open have you shifting in your seat.

It’s like you’re hypertuned to every movement he makes. The pull of his thighs as he walks back and forth from the fridge to the counter to the stove, the way his tongue lingers for just a second longer on the spoon when he goes to taste whatever he’s making, the bob of his adam’s apple when he takes a sip from a cup near the sink. Every lick of his lips, every shake of his hips is mesmerizing.

There’s a definitive heat radiating from your crotch and you are doing your best to ignore it, which is to say, not very good. But at the very least you don’t actually do or speak anything aloud about it. You simply sit at the bar stool quietly, head bobbing lightly to the 90’s rap mix that’s playing softly from a speaker set up in the corner of the room. Clearly you are playing Dave’s game this morning, and that means you have to play by Dave’s rules.

A thought occurs to you as your eyes pass over the plain analogue clock that hangs just over the stove. “I thought you said you had to go to work.”

Dave hums, turning around and walking towards you with two plates of food. Your stomach suddenly rumbles very loudly. That’s weird, you didn’t feel hungry up until just now.

“Holy shit, Karkat! Why didn’t you say you were hungry, I woulda made something simple instead.”

“Omelettes are simple. For _most_ people.”

Dave laughs. “Sure, but that’s because most people don’t make the fuck out of omelettes like you know I do. The cast of characters in these breakfast productions are fiercely stacked. You got the blockbuster favorites, that’s your eggs and cheddar cheese because you know without them this omelette’s gonna flop harder than the first pancake out of a cold pan. Then you got your supporting cast, that’s your green pepper, your onion your diced ham. These guys are the secondaries, they’ll never star in a movie and that’s okay with them. Then you’ve got the extras, salt and pepper, butter; they’re your basics. Can’t live without ‘em but they’re plain as shit otherwise. Oh! Also in this special feature we’re introducing cayenne pepper for a little kick, to add some heat to your bite, and to make ya say _ooh mama!_ ”

While he’s going off about fucking eggs, you get busy attacking the omelette with your fork. Thoughts of Dave’s ass are blissfully forgotten for the moment as you sink into what you consider to be life’s second best pleasure.

“You never answered my question,” you ask as soon as the last bite of eggs clears your esophagus.

“Hmm?” Dave asks, picking up a piece of bacon with his fingers and crunching into it.

“You’re an animal,” you say, and he winks. “I’m talking about what I asked earlier. About you having to go to work? It might just be my amazing detective skills, but it doesn’t actually look like you’re tripping over your own two feet to get out of here, especially considering the state you left me in an hour ago.”

He cocks his head. “What do you mean?”

“What do you mean what do I mean? You left me there on the bed, all–” You are suddenly unable to continue, in large part due to the heat that is currently flooding your face.

“All... what?” Dave says, and this time you see the twist of a smile that is a dead giveaway to the fact that he’s messing with you.

“God damn it, you know fucking what. The game, you shit-sniffing lunatic!”

“Oh yeah,” Dave says. “The game. That’s definitely still a thing that’s happening, but I do have to go to work. I’m going in late today because I wanted to make you breakfast.”

He kisses his hand loudly and blows it in your direction. You roll your eyes. “Going in late because you wanted to make me breakfast, my blistered, yellowing toenails.”

He grimaces. “Ugh, that’s disgusting. I make you breakfast, and this is how I’m being repaid?”

You gift him with another roll of your eyes. “Sorry. Is this better?” You get up from your seat and cross over to his side of the island, giving him a deep bow. “Thanks, almighty breakfast king, for opening my poor, thoughtless mind to the bright, beautiful world of lightly scrambled, fluffy eggs cooked to perfection with an assortment of neatly cubed vegetables and meat stuffed inside! My life will never be the same again! In fact, I think I will exclusively use PAM cooking spray and make all of my food in an 8 inch non-stick skillet from now on. You have shown me the way, oh great one!”

By the time you finish, you’re kneeling at his feet for emphasis while he’s still seated on his bar stool. Naked. Ugh! God, why are you attracted to someone so revolting? You make a mental note to wipe down the stool with a strong disinfectant while Dave is at work.

“First of all, I don’t use PAM. Shit’s too oily and has no flavor. Butter is the mother of all grease.”

As he speaks you have to crane your neck to look up at him and you realize that it’s pretty dumb that you’re still kneeling. And yet you think that getting up now would be more embarrassing than just continuing to kneel, so you stay put.

“Second of all,” he continues, “I don’t want you to thank me. Thank you’s are nice and all, but I think we’re forgetting the cardinal kitchen food exchange rule. He gestures toward his apron.

You don’t need to look because it’s the only apron you both own, and you know what it fucking says, but you glance at it anyway. Across his chest, bold white letters proclaim, “Kiss the Cook.”

When you lift your head back up to him he winks, beckoning you forward with one hand. “You heard the King’s decree. You’ve been served babe, so come and get it.”

And it’s so fucking dorky, but that’s what makes it endearing and goddamnit, that’s what makes you love him so heart stoppingly much.

He pats his lap and opens his legs up a bit. Does he want you to sit on him? Internally you cringe, you know you weigh more than Dave, and you try not to think about that or the fact that he chooses to spend any amount of his time looking at your body than is strictly necessary. In fact, necessary time really boils down to zero, if you’re being honest.

You get to your feet and lean over to kiss him instead, planting one soft and sweet on his mouth. You can feel him smile against you and it fills you with a warm affection that tingles all over your body. “Thank you for breakfast Dave,” you whisper against his lips.

“You’re welcome darlin’,” he says. “But that aint what I was asking you to kiss.”

He pats at his lap again, and you look down. _Oh._

“It was so nice to see you down on your knees before, Kar. Now, why don’t you go ahead and give me that kiss?”

Heat drops to your belly and you immediately submit, sinking back down to the floor.

“Oh I get it,’ you grumble, even as you strip off your shirt and shorts and place your hands on his thighs, rubbing them slightly under the apron. “When I want to get off, you’re busy and have to ‘get to work’. But when you want to get off, suddenly you have all the free time in the world.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about man. I told you, it was for the breakfast. It was always about the breakfast.”

“ _Right_.” Ugh! You don’t know what kind of mood Dave is in but it might actually drive you insane today. Might as well do your best to return the favor. You push back the apron and he spreads his legs a little further apart and braces his back against the kitchen island like the greedy bastard he is.

You don’t start slow. You nose your way into dark curly hair, licking quickly and roughly into him and he immediately buckles, gasping.

“Holy shit Kar– _fuck_.”

You grab one of his legs and rest it on your shoulder to open him up a little wider. _Fuck_. It’s a beautiful sight, it always is—puffed, pink labia that are spread invitingly and glistening… and look at that. Your mouth is watering.

You move back in and thrust your tongue home, fast and hard and like your orgasm depends on it, because you’re really fucking hoping it does. After a bit of that, when he’s starting to really pant and curse, you replace your tongue with your fingers. Two and then three slip in slick and easy, and you dutifully curl them up to hit that spot that makes his body quake.

You attach your mouth to him once more, massaging his clit with your tongue, while you continue to twist your fingers. The smell and taste of him is incredible. Obscenely better than any omelette you’ve ever had, tenfold.

“Fuck!” Dave yells, and you glance up at him. His white knuckles are evidence that he’s gripping the counter for dear life. His eyes are wrenched shut and it’s absolutely breathtaking to watch him fall apart, and to know that it’s by your hand. You swear and moan into his folds as you feel your cock throb needily.

You use your non-occupied hand to grab onto Dave’s other leg, the one that’s not chafing the shit out of your shoulder, because every part of him is shivering and you know that means he’s close. You shut your eyes and focus on swirling your tongue around the little nub of his clit, keeping pace with your fingers in the same, repetitive movements. Dave is chanting frayed encouragements from above your head.

“Don’t stop _please_ , don’t stop ‘Kat! I swear to god!”

You don’t stop, you wouldn’t dream of stopping, even as your knees protest against the hard tiled floor, and your cock feels like it’s trying to detach itself from your body in a desperate search for friction.

When Dave comes it’s with a throaty moan, his thighs clamping tightly around your head and you hold your position, gradually slowing the pace but making sure to carry him through the aftershocks. He cries out as his body jolts up again and again, until he lets out that final breathy giggle that always lets you know he’s done.

“God damn!” he laughs, still shaking a little, but loosening the death grip around your skull.

You give him one last lick to collect the wetness gathered there, delighting at the way his hips jerk, before standing and wiping your face on the back of your arm. You also put a star next to your mental note to clean the stool. Extra star for extra urgent.

“God damn!” Dave says again. “Karkat, you just kissed the shit outta my cooch. I gotta give you some serious kudos, my dude.”

You cringe at his words. Leave it to Dave to string together the least sexy sentence you’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing. In addition to his bullshit, there’s still the little fact that your crotch is currently a blistery fire pit of need and you think you’re going to lose your mind if you don’t find a release soon.

Dave stands up, and you note proudly that he needs to steady himself on the stool because of the way his legs shake. You step forward to kiss him deep and needy, and he takes it, his tongue swirling around yours and moaning happily into your mouth. You are content to let him explore, you know how much he loves the taste of himself. His hands roam your body, and you freeze in anticipation, hoping, praying… but they don’t stray much past your navel. For fucks sake!

And then, and fucking then, Dave flashes you a wicked smirk, drops down to his knees in the mirror image of what you did earlier and with absolutely no preamble, licks a long stripe up your cock before taking it fully into his mouth.

Your mouth opens in a silent scream as your brain short circuits. As he sucks and wraps his tongue around the head of your cock your brain goes haywire, but your body figures out what to do. Your hips start thrusting and you rock helplessly into his mouth, the pleasure filling you like a cloud. You feel gentle hands on each of your hips and he opens up wider to take you in. You thrust a little more, fully fucking his mouth. This absolutely will not last long. You can feel the hot coil of pleasure tightening in your gut, and you bring both hands up to grasp at the back of his head for more leverage, fully intending to come down his throat.

But before you can rev up, Dave pulls away firmly, the warm wetness of his mouth retreating, and your scream isn’t silent this time.

“FUCK!” Your breath is coming in shuddery gasps and you stumble, gripping the counter with both hands so they don’t immediately fly to your dick. Your hips are still moving, tortured, as you reel from the sudden lack of contact. This is illegal! If you don’t get off soon you think you are going to drop down to the floor and start rubbing yourself on the tiles like an animal.

You’re so hard, it hurts. Your dick is flushed red, pressed up against your stomach and weeping. You stare at it for a second in silent commiseration. Dave stands up, wiping his mouth. You think the worst thing about this entire situation is that he’s still wearing that fucking apron. You lock eyes with him, and a noise emerges from your own mouth. It’s a whine. In this moment you are absolutely whining like an animal, loudly and fully, and it’s pathetic but you don’t care.

Dave leans forward and kisses you, and yes you might be pissed, but more than that you are desperate, so you oblige him, trying to work your body and your aching cock closer to him.

You’ve just managed to get a good grip on his hips when he takes your hands up and kisses them both gently in turn.

“Chill, ‘Kat. We’re playing a game, remember! Anyway, I gotta go shower. See you in a bit.”

He steps away from you without waiting for a response, untying the apron and throwing it into the towel bin as he leaves the kitchen.

You want to run after him, you want to tell him to fuck this game, that it’s bullshit. That if he doesn’t make you come in the next thirty seconds, you will up and leave his pasty ass to be alone for all eternity. But you don’t, because you're so hot. And as much as you hate what’s happening, it’s… it’s good? It’s the pain that burns sweet after the sting. The kind of pain that still hurts, and yet you want a little bit more each time.

\---

The kitchen is a mess. First you reach down, putting back on the clothes you discarded earlier. You focus on evening your breathing out and calming the fuck down as you gather up all the dishes from the stove, counters and kitchen island. You wipe down the bar stool twice, as well as the rest of the island and the other stool you were sitting on. While you’re at it, you actually clean the dishes and wipe both the stove and counters so that everything looks spotless again.

After thirty minutes you’re feeling pretty relaxed. Cleaning is one of those things that can always calm you down. Something about putting things in order is very soothing to you. When you finish with everything, you start to wonder about Dave. His showers are ten minutes at their absolute longest, a fact you abhor. He surely should have been back out here bothering you by now, with his at least semi-clean ass. But no, you can definitely still hear the shower running.

The clock tells you it’s now 1:30 in the afternoon. Honestly, you’re still unsure if Dave actually has plans to even show his face at work today. Fuck it. You make your way to the bathroom and fling open the door. The two of you have been living together for over three years now and have long passed privacy or the need for any knock-knock bullshit.

“Dave, if you’re drowning yourself in here I swear to god– _Oh._ ”

Through the fogged glass shower stall you can see Dave standing, braced against the tiled wall and wearing an expression of absolute bliss. Between his legs he’s holding the extendable shower head with one hand, directing the water straight toward his crotch, while his other hand roams freely over his chest. He lets out a long low moan and heat flashes through you. You curse.

Dave’s eyes snap open and he smiles, big and loose. “Oh, Karkat. There you are!”

“No!” you say, throwing your hands out to grip both sides of the door frame tightly. “Absolutely the fuck not are you seriously _still_ fucking around!”

“It’s just that kind of day isn’t it,” he says, and his sentences are peppered with little sighs as he lets the jet of water hit him continuously in that sensitive place. “I woke up this morning ready to get to business, I couldn’t help myself. I had to give myself the good ol’ five finger special. Actually, I came twice before I even touched you.”

Oh fuck. Despite his idiotic language you feel another flare of arousal, sharp and sudden like a electric pulse to your groin.

“No,” you repeat. “I’m not doing this, and please remind me again, just when are you planning on getting your bony ass to work? Because I’m not seeing anything on your high end music equipment or endless stacks of new release XBox games that spells out, ‘Dave Strider is free to ditch his actual adult job’.”

He looks at you, eyes fluttering and mouth hanging open, and sighs. “You’re right.” He stands upright, returning the showerhead to the overhead position with surprisingly little fanfare. “Hey Karkat, can you bring me that towel?”

You grumble, but pull the towel from the rack. “Why don’t you just put the towel in arms reach of the shower like any sane person? Because as much as I enjoy having to stop whatever I’m doing to come fetch your bath things on any and every occasion you decide to clean the sack of walking filth you call your body, I have actual important things to do. And while we’re here, do you know what I really enjoy? When you refuse to use any towels at all, and leave giant water puddles all over the floor like some kind of beached Loch Douche Monster! Oh! And let’s not forget what I love the most about shower time with Dave,” you say angrily, flicking a switch on the wall, “Your seemingly complete incapability to turn on the fucking exhaust fan!”

Dave just snorts from underneath the stream of water, and you approach him with the towel, shaking your head. You yank the shower door open to hand him the towel or to possibly wring his neck with it when he snakes one hand down to his crotch again with a maddeningly shy smile.

“Want me to show you how I did it?”

You’re so close to him now you can see the water running down his body in small rivulets, his blonde hair pressed to his face messily, the way he’s biting at his lip with his chest thrown forward, nipples hard, and _fuck_. You really, really do.

You nod helplessly, aware even as you do that you’re stepping directly into your own trap, a trap made of wet skin and red eyes and Dave fucking Strider.

“Get in here, then,” he says, wiggling his hips. “Don’t keep a gentleman waiting, that shit is impolite.”

You mostly ignore him but do strip your clothes off once again, letting them drop unceremoniously to the floor, and stepping into the shower. Your cock is already peeking up half interestedly and you make sure to press it needily up against Dave’s belly as you go in for a kiss.

You can tell he’s pretty close and reasonably so, considering he’s been in here for a half hour already. He grips your shoulder with one hand as he works himself with the other and you’re free to stare into his eyes as he comes, eyes wide and mouth open in a silent cry, clinging to you and shivering in the hot steam.

You’re so hot. He moves forward to kiss you again and you gasp into his mouth as you feel him grab hold of your cock. Now it’s your turn to grab onto his shoulders as he strokes you pleasurably with a tight grip. You revel, existing only in this moment to feel the slide of your mouths together, the hot water cascading over your back, and the and the delicious heat radiating from the pull of Dave’s fingers. It feels incredible.

When your hips start to buck into his hands, desperately chasing that release you’ve been following all day like the white goddamned rabbit Dave pulls away, like you fucking knew all along he would. Your eyes still nearly pop out of your skull though, and you yell in frustration.

“Dave, _please!_ ” You reach down to grab yourself because seriously, _fuck_ this and he _tsks_ , quickly grabbing your hands and using your arms to push you back against the shower wall. He pins both of them above your head with one hand, and the rest of you with his body.

He kisses you gently and you take everything you can get from him, open mouthed and panting. “Remember the rules, Karkat,” he says softly.

You give him a pleading look, unable to do much else. You watch droplets of water run down over his face, and your foremost thought is how you want to lick every drop from his skin, but you’re helpless to do anything until Dave lets you go. Your dick throbs. Fuck!

With his body still slick and pressed against you he hums, nuzzling his head into your neck. You can feel his breath on your collarbone. You stay like that for a few minutes, until your breathing evens out. “I love you,” he says quietly.

“I love you,” you whisper into his hair.

He lets your arms go to wrap his own around your waist instead, and you do the same. You hold each other under the water and whisper sweet nothings back and forth until your hands start to go all pruny, and a maybe little longer after that.

Finally, Dave pulls away to place a kiss on your nose. “Okay, I have to leave now, gotta go to work. Also, this water is cold as shit.”

You consider that fact. It’s definitely lukewarm at best. “I can’t believe you actually have work. I thought you were just fucking around.”

“Nah, I got a bona fide work shift to go to, people need their music fix yo, and they are depending on Dave Strider to give them the sweet musical hits they crave.”

“You sell CDs at the mall, Dave. Careful you don’t get lost without the roadmap to the inside of your own ass.”

He smirks. “You should meet me after work. We can do something.”

“Yeah, maybe,” you mumble, as he closes in on you once again. He kisses the side of your jaw and you lift your head to bare your neck as he peppers wet kisses all over it. Heat, impossibly heady and prickling, immediately blooms through you. Jesus, fuck! How could you want someone this much?

“Hey ‘Kar,” he whispers into your jaw like it’s a secret, “I’m glad I traded shifts earlier so that I could spend the morning with you.”

“Me too, Dave.”

You kiss him deeply then, putting as much of your gratitude into it as you can. When he pulls away you follow his lips, helplessly wanting more.

“Gotta go. Bye, I love you.” He grins and steps backward out of the shower without even taking the fucking towel because of course he does, and heads through the door, ass wiggling.

“Remember the game, Karkat!” he calls out. You can see the wet trail he’s leaving in the hallway as he walks through to the bedroom. God damn it.

Shaking your head, you twist the knob all the way to cold and accept your fate. You stay under the icy stream until you hear the front door slam, signalling his departure.

\---

Visions of Dave plague you long after he leaves the apartment. As a writer you generally work from home, so you’re more than used to being in the apartment alone. However. Every room, and everything you do is seemingly haunted by one damningly attractive asshole.

You try to do what you normally do when Dave leaves for the day. Clean up, write, or when you run out of inspiration, read from your wide collection of romance novels. But thoughts of Dave flit endlessly around your head like a swarm of gnats on a hot summer’s day.

Cleaning in the kitchen becomes envisioning Dave naked under a red apron, biting his lips and staring at you with eyes that flash fire. Reading in the bedroom becomes recalling Dave on his side, with swollen and inviting lips, red flushed and peeking out from between his legs. Taking a fucking piss even, becomes seeing Dave, chest heaving and mouth parted, hands roaming and shivering against wet tile walls.

Two hours in and you are ready to kill yourself. The thing about being constantly turned on with no release is that it isn’t what you thought it would be like. Erections come and go, but there’s this constant undercurrent of an electric _something_ , like a live wire running just under your skin that makes you want to put your hands into your hair and tear out every last strand in frustration.

It’s a delicate torture, made up of light shivers when anything brushes your bare skin, made of soft exhales as you try to breathe yourself into a calmer state. It’s made of your desperation for release, but also your revelation in the uncut feeling of your prickling desire. It’s like you’ve been wrapped in a satin blanket and then thrown in a pit of pins and needles, left to find your way out, and enjoying every cut and drag along the way.

It’s when you’ve given up on doing work altogether and you’re lying on the couch, rock hard and staring at the the book you’re meant to be reading, willing yourself to calm even a modicum of the fuck down, that you get a message.

turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]

TG: hey kar  
TG: im on a break right now and i just wanted to come on here real quick and let you know how fucking hot you are  


This. Asshole. You throw your head back and swear as your stomach jolts. When you look down, more red text is flooding the screen.

TG: in this moment and always dude  
TG: i just wanna worship you   
TG: i wanna get down at the motherfucking altar and just  
TG: go  
TG: to  
TG: town  
TG: please accept me into the church of karkat   
TG: god please  
TG: i got those tithes on lock you wont hear nay a theses outta me  
TG: ill pay my respects to you babe  
TG: now and in the afterlife  
TG: ill be your mohammed and you can be my sun god  
TG: id sit shiva with you all night if you know what i mean  
TG: id like to fucking swoon at your temple  
TG: what do you say kat  
TG: wanna fulfill a prophecy  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, YOU BLASPHEMOUS FUCK.   
CG: ALLOW ME TO TO INTRODUCE A NEW CONCEPT INTO YOUR LIFE. DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE CERTAIN RECTANGULAR DEVICES SCATTERED AROUND THE GLOBE WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO TEMPT US MERE MORTALS INTO SEEKING KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION BEYOND OUR SCOPE? YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF THEM, THEY ARE OTHERWISE KNOWN AS BOOKS.   
CG: MAYBE IF YOU WOULD STOP WASTING TIME “THROWING DOWN” YOUR “SLAMMIN’ RHYMES”, AND OPEN ONE UP YOU COULD LEARN *ANYTHING* ABOUT THEOLOGY.   
CG: YOU JUST INSULTED ABOUT FIVE DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, YOU ASSHOLE.   
TG: oh shit  
CG: SECONDLY. HOW DARE YOU SEND ME ANY MANNER OF SALACIOUS MESSAGES AFTER THE STATE YOU LEFT ME IN THIS MORNING. YOU SODDEN PRICK.  
CG: YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FLIRTATIOUS BANTER AND SHOVE IT, UNLUBED, STRAIGHT UP YOUR PUSTULENT ASSHOLE.  
TG: please we both know you love my asshole  
CG: GROSS, DAVE. STOP.  
TG: now speaking of the state i quote  
TG: left you in   
TG: end quote  
TG: quick reminder that you are the one who agreed to this  
TG: now  
TG: as for me im willing to ride this train all the way until the cows come home  
TG: but i would understand if you wanted to tap out  
TG: where are you  
TG: youre probably on the couch right now am i right  
TG: nine pm is always karkat reading on the couch time  
TG: all snuggled up with a throw pillow and a bookmark  
TG: i gotta say its cute as fuck   
TG: especially with how mad you get if anyone interrupts you  
CG: YOU MEAN LIKE YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW?  
CG: AND I’M NOT TAPPING OUT, IF ONLY BECAUSE IT’S CLEAR THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO. SO YOU CAN EXORCISE THAT OUTCOME FROM YOUR BRAIN RIGHT NOW.  
TG: are you sure  
TG: because if you *were* ready to tap out i might even race home right now  
TG: probably roll up to the crib to find you all hot and bothered  
TG: then id get my head between your legs   
TG: suck your meaty man tube right up between my lips   
TG: or better yet slip right on top of you  
TG: have you split me open like a freshly steamed lobster with a side of melted butter for lube  
TG: and ride you into the night  
TG: would you like that  
TG: i know i would   
TG: god i want you karkat  
TG: theres a big wet spot in my pants and it has your name written on it more times than your own birth certificate  


You turn your phone over. Why? Why won’t the words stop. You’re crossing your legs and squirming in your seat with lust and need radiating from every one of your hideous goddamned pores, because given your current condition, the reality of Dave telling you exactly how much he wants you, even in his patented, borderline gross way, is actually motherfucking doing it for you. 

TG: hey  
TG: karkat where did you go  
TG: are you okay  
CG: I’M… ALIVE.   
TG: okay well that sounds suspiciously ominous enough   
TG: how do you feel right now are you okay  
CG: I’M HOT.   
TG: oh well that sure is a fixable problem   
TG: and to think that just the other week you were showing *me* how to set the thermostat   
TG: looks like the student has become the master   
CG: SHUT UP! YOU BABBLING IDIOT PERSON! NO, I’M NOT HOT BECAUSE OF THE TEMPERATURE IN THE APARTMENT. IF YOU HAD BRAINS INSTEAD OF DRIED SHIT ROLLING AROUND YOUR EMPTY SKULL, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT.   
TG: are you trying to tell me you have a boner   
TG: like right now  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK. AS MY AGING, WRINKLY BODY INSISTS ON REMINDING ME EVERY DAY, I’M ONLY HUMAN.   
TG: please motherfucker youre beautiful  
TG: but ill take that as a yes so maybe i can help  
TG: do you remember the rules  
CG: OF COURSE I DO, FUCKSTICK. I DEFINITELY REMEMBER THE RULES! CONSIDERING! THEY ARE THE PRIMARY REASON FOR MY DISCOMFORT IN THIS CURRENT MOMENT!  
TG: alright then  
TG: because im a swell guy im gonna help you out  
TG: i want you to touch yourself for me kat  
TG: but only the way i say to  


Oh fuck. Your fingers shake as you type out a reply. 

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO.  
TG: are you on the couch  
CG: YES.  
TG: okay first i want you to touch your chest  
TG: run your hands right over those bad ass perky nips   
TG: now you know i would absolutely take each one of them on a direct route to make out town via a personal invitation from my tongue  
TG: however since im not there youll just have to play with them a little for me  
TG: over your shirt though  
TG: i assume youre wearing the same clothes you had on this morning  
CG: YES.  
TG: haha and you call me gross motherfucker  
CG: DAVE!  
TG: whats wrong kat  
CG: PLEASE.  
TG: fine i wont push you because i know how much youre hurtin for my love right now   
TG: now be a good boy and feel up those nips  


Jesus fuck! It’s a sign of how worked up you are that his words aren’t actively causing you to dry heave. Relaxing back into the couch, you switch the phone over to one hand as you use the other to circle a finger slowly around one nipple, and then the other. They’re hard and poking through your shirt lightly. Everytime you brush a finger over the top of one you shiver delicately. You can feel your body revving up with a focused energy, prickling heat dancing over your skin.

TG: are you doing it  
CG: YES.   
TG: how does it feel  
CG: GOOD! JESUS CHRIST, CAN YOU STOP ASKING SO MANY GODDAMN QUESTIONS. EVERYTIME I HAVE TO PAUSE AND TYPE OUT AN ANSWER TO YOU IT REALLY FUCKING PUTS A DAMPER ON THIS WHOLE THING.  
CG: YES, I’M TOUCHING MYSELF. YES, IT FEELS GOOD. DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR EXCEEDINGLY OBVIOUS QUESTIONS?  
TG: well yes   
TG: exactly  


You sit then, absently rubbing at your chest and panting slightly, waiting for the next order. But no text from Dave comes for a while after that. You exhale in a puff, dropping your hand from your chest. What the fuck?

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS  
CG: DID YOU REALLY JUST DISAPPEAR?  
CG: I’M   
CG: FUCK!  


You throw your phone harshly down on the couch, a groan ripping from your chest. This is bullshit. You don’t even have the capacity to feel properly pissed. The closest description to your current feelings would probably be despair. You lie on the couch with your eyes closed, trying to relax. 

Fifteen minutes later, your phone pings. 

TG: shit sorry karkat can you believe that i actually got a customer   
TG: anyway where are we  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? “WE” ARE CURRENTLY FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF SMACK DAB FUCKING *NOWHERE*!  
TG: well then shit   
TG: looks like i got some work to do   
CG: YOU HAVE NO WORK TO DO. I’M DONE. THIS IS A BULLSHIT GAME FOR FOREHEAD SMACKING IDIOTS WHO CAN’T EVEN FOLLOW THEIR OWN BULLSHIT RULES.  
CG: NOW STOP TEXTING ME.   
TG: wait  
TG: okay okay  
TG: what if i told you there was no customer before  
CG: WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I’M PUTTING ALL OF YOUR STUFF OUT BY THE CURB AT MIDNIGHT.  
TG: no for real  
TG: there was no customer i just needed to rub one out real quick  


You pause, feeling a interested tug in your belly. 

CG: IF THAT’S TRUE, THEN WHY THE FUCK YOU DIDN’T BRING YOUR GODDAMNED PHONE.   
TG: i did   
TG: but i needed both hands to do touch myself  


Fuck! The embers of arousal in your core flicker back to life. You shift the phone to one hand again, fingers returning to play at your nipples. 

TG: the thought of you alone in the apartment fondling your sweet package like that  
TG: we polled a hundred people on the street and the survey says that youre a hottie  
TG: im only human karkat  
TG: so i had to run back to the stockroom and slip a quick hand between my legs   
TG: peruse the goods a bit  
TG: how do you feel now knowing these talented fingers are capable of much more than just lascivious texts  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, ASSHOLE.  
TG: right then  
TG: if you’re feeling it   
TG: i need you to slither that sexy arm down your chest like an anaconda into its hole  
TG: touch yourself nice and good in the no no zone   
TG: but only over your pants okay  
TG: and remember rule two  
CG: YEAH, YEAH.  
TG: good  
TG: rub that thick beef truncheon for me karkat but do it nice and slow you hear  


God damn it. Wincing at his words but still worked up enough to want to obey them, you drag your hand lightly over your crotch. A sharp gasp bursts from your mouth at the contact. The touch is almost too much. Almost. 

TG: are you touching yourself now  
CG: YES  
TG: fuck yeah i bet it feels good   
TG: i bet theres a nice dollop of special karkat juice leaking out right at the tip of your dick  
TG: id love to get my tongue in there and lick it clean   


Your stomach jolts and your grip tightens over the head of your cock through your pants. They’re thin enough that you can grasp the outline of your dick perfectly, but just thick enough that a gentle touch brings nothing other than exquisite torture. You exhale shakily. 

TG: how does it feel  
TG: i bet it feels real good right  
TG: keep that touch light though  
TG: like a sheet of freshly fallen snow on new years eve  


You don’t bother to respond, just eyeing the text a little blurrily as it rolls up your screen. There’s very little Dave could say to put you off the mood right now so you just stroke yourself over your too thick pants and pant out soft moans. 

Due to your extremely keyed up state, it doesn’t take much for you to start feeling really good. Your pleasure begins heightening; you can feel each delicious bump and jolt on the way up, like a rickety cart rolling ascending a roller coaster. As you reach the precipice your mind splits into two. One is flashing a red alert, telling you to stop before this gets out of hand. You’re still playing by Dave’s rules after all. But the other half persists; your phone, and thus Dave, has fallen out of your hand, while your hips roll demandingly up into your touch. The feeling is just too good, and you’re right there– _shit!_

Your hand falters, but it’s too late and you’re toppling, cart forgotten as your hips jerk upwards. You throw your head back against the soft cushion of the couch as you come with a strained cry, into the smooth drag of fabric in your pants. 

As far as orgasms go, this one was definitely not in your top ten. It was stilted and sputtered out quickly, leaving you with a small sense of dissatisfaction. Fuck those fucking rules. You pick up your phone, breathing roughly.

TG: if i was there id be all over you for the record   
TG: i love the way you look karkat   
TG: like i always do but especially when you come   
TG: that is some choice shit right there like a fine oil painting of some old broad hanging in the museum of modern art  
TG: tourists tripping over themselves just to get a photo   
TG: looking at you can get me so god damn hot like  
TG: click  
TG: karkat   
TG: you still there  
CG: FUCK.   
TG: oh there you are  
TG: what happened  
TG: are you still touching yourself for me  
TG: playing by the rules like a good boy  
CG: NOTHING. NO I’M NOT, AND NO.  
CG: FUCK THIS GAME. WHO EVEN CARES, THE RULES ARE JUST AS NONSENSICAL AND ARBITRARY AS YOUR “IRONIC” FASHION CHOICES.  
TG: woah woah why are we suddenly bringing my totally bangin wardrobe into this  
CG: I’M JUST SAYING. MOST OF THE TIME YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’VE JUST HURLED YOURSELF OFF A SHIPPING TRUCK HEADED TO GAP FOR SHITHEADS.  
TG: i smell something suspicious with this sudden change of track  
TG: are you lying  
TG: the only reason youd be lying is if you broke the rules  
TG: did you break the rules   
TG: new rule alert   
TG: rule number three is that you cant lie about breaking the rules   
CG: STOP! STOP SAYING THE WORD RULES, YOU INSUFFERABLE SHIT! THERE ARE NO MORE RULES. WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO BACK TO WORK. THE “GAME” IS OVER.  
TG: oh the games not over karkat  
TG: its barely begun   
TG: now tell papa everything  


Dragging a hand down your face, you consider your options. This can go on for another two hours, or you can just tell him what happened and go take a shower. You clench your teeth. 

CG: FINE. YES. I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS, AND BY MANNER OF CAUSE AND FUCKING EFFECT, THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS LED TO ITS NATURAL CONCLUSION.  
TG: basically  
TG: you came   
TG: oh karkat  
TG: karkat karkat karkat  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
TG: nah  
TG: but this is serious  
TG: you broke approximately fifty percent of the rules  
TG: looks like a punishment is in order  
CG: OR, AND HERE’S A BRILLIANT IDEA. WE CAN JUST KEEP LIVING OUR LIVES AS NORMAL, AND FORGET THAT THIS STUPID GAME WAS EVER A THING.  
TG: no way dude  
TG: but how about this  
TG: ill go easy on you  


You have no idea what Dave means by punishment. It’s probably easier to just agree, so you can go get cleaned up. Your thighs are starting to feel a bit tacky. Besides, how bad could the punishment possibly be?

CG: FINE, YOU ASS SNORTING FUCKWAD.  
TG: haha i knew you would be game  
TG: okay so for your punishment im gonna need you to report to the mall   
TG: when i get off at approximately 10 pm  
TG: just remember  
TG: this is gonna hurt me more than its gonna hurt you  
TG: see you soon karkat  
TG: ;)  
CG: BYE. SHITHEAD.  


turntechGodhead  [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You check your watch. It’s a quarter to ten. Fucking shit, you don’t have enough time to even shower. You barely have enough time to change your pants and wipe yourself up before you’re heading out the door and towards the mall.

\---

“Frozen yogurt? This is your brain dead idea of a punishment?”

“All in due time, Karkat,” Dave says with a wink. “All in good time.”

You’re both standing in line at the frozen yogurt shop directly across the mall from the record store where Dave works. You’re getting what you always get, a cup of the plain tart flavor with strawberries. Dave is getting a Frankenstein’s mess of at least five different flavors, and is currently attempting to put every single topping on it.

He puts a scoop of gummy bears on a light brown flavor you think is Graham Cracker. “God, that looks disgusting.”

“I gotta get my money’s worth,” he says, now delicately sprinkling M&Ms on top of everything else.

“What are you talking about? It’s priced by weight you moron!”

Dave straightens up, looking at you. “Oh shit.”

The line moves up. You roll your eyes and pay for both frozen yogurts. Dave’s alone comes out to be eight dollars. He gives you a sheepish grin.

You take a seat while Dave grabs the napkins and spoons. A minute later you see him sauntering toward you. His shades are pushed to the top of his head, and he gives you a wide smirk. Your heart skips. He’s stupidly attractive.

“I’ve been staring at this place all day, dude. It had me crazy, drooling over frozen yogurt like a bulldog after a bone.” He takes a bite of his yogurt, and half of the toppings immediately fall all over the table. You snicker, and he lets out an affronted noise. “Worth it,” he adds.

“Sure,” you say smugly, through a mouthful of creamy delicious tart.  
  
“You’re missing out on the quintessential frozen yogurt experience, Karkat. These flavors were made to mix and mingle on your tongue, creating an explosion of bomb ass flavors meant to make a mortal man weak in the knees.”

“In no world should _Fruity Pebbles_ be part of a desert,” you retort.

“It’s fucking good. Wanna try?” he asks, already holding a loaded spoon out toward your face.

You reach for the spoon but he tilts it back and tuts you. “Uh-uh, beautiful. Let me feed ya.”

Head floods your face. Is he serious?

You recoil. “Absolutely not, what the fuck!” Your eyes swivel wildly around you. The shop is not packed by any means, but there are very real people sitting at a very real distance from you guys, and getting spoonfed in public isn’t exactly something on your bucket list.

Dave clears his throat tauntingly. “If I’m not mistaken, I believe someone is here to get punished for getting a little too excited earlier and doing a oopsie in their pants.”

“You fuck.” It comes out as a mortified whisper. Dave’s grin widens.

“Here comes the train,” he sings happily, and you open your mouth weakly to take in the bite. It smears on your mouth, and you are struck with the coolness of the yogurt against the blazing heat of your face.

“You’re gonna have to open up a little wider if you don’t want to make a mess,” Dave says. He reaches out with his other hand and wipes frozen yogurt from the side of your mouth. He puts his finger to his mouth and sucks it clean. Your stomach jolts. God damn it!

“I’ll kill you,” you mutter, as he feeds you another spoonful. Your heart is fucking racing, but you open your mouth wider, embarrassment flaring through you like a spread umbrella. It’s cloyingly sweet and you choke, not breaking eye contact with Dave.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers as he puts another bite to your lips. His red eyes sear through you as he whispers praise and feeds you bite after bite of his yogurt. You’ve become effectively mute, only able to look at Dave with pleading eyes and swallowing every spoonful down as it comes.

Every once in a while Dave takes some yogurt for himself and you melt as he takes his time, licking the spoon too thoroughly, far too slowly, and with way too much tongue. Your insides are boiling with a mix of arousal and humiliation. Dave reaches out and gently tucks a lock of hair behind your ear, making sure to trail his finger across your cheek as he does so.

“Last bite, darling. Make sure you lick the spoon clean. We don’t want anything going to waste.” Your face burns and you stare at him helplessly, but there’s no pity to be found in his eyes. Your tongue darts out hesitantly to get the last bits of yogurt. Dave licks his lips and hums. “Good job,” he says softly, and your face flames.

You find your voice. “You’re a fucking piece of shit,” you choke out and Dave laughs. You look down at your own cup of frozen yogurt, which has almost completely melted.

“I’m sorry but, you’re so hot, Karkat. I swear I can’t help myself.”

“Stop that shit!”

Dave gives you a serious look. “I can’t, babe. You do things to me.” He waggles his eyebrows. “Wanna find out what you do?”

“No,” you growl.

Dave snorts. “Yes you do. C’mon, let’s get out of here.”

There’s definitely a situation going on in your pants. You say a silent prayer of thanks that you wore tight enough jeans today that it should be fine. You don’t look around the shop as you leave, tossing your cup in the trash and keeping your eyes on the back of Dave’s head as he drags you by the hand out of the shop, all the way through the mall and into the warm summer’s night.

As soon as you step outside, Dave is on you. He pushes you against the outside of the building, right near the doors and captures your mouth in a hungry kiss. You submit helplessly, wrapping your hands around his waist to pull him closer. He pushes his hips to yours and you squeak as he rubs up against your dick. Your brain jumbles.

“Dave, stop,” you manage, trickles of embarrassment coloring the well of arousal in your gut. Dave pulls away from you, his face flushed. You want him so bad. But the sound of the repeated swing of heavy glass doors as people enter and exit the mall is… not ideal.

You jerk your head in the universal expression of _let’s get out of here_. “Okay, I can dig it. Let’s go,” he says, and you cheer internally. As you both start walking away from the mall, Dave swings an arm around you and you shiver, but lean into the crook of his arm. Thank god you’re headed home.

You both are mostly quiet for your walk. On your part, you’re still trying to calm the fuck down from the clusterfuck of an experience that just went down in the yogurt shop. You and Dave don’t really engage in public displays of affection. But that… fuck, it was _hot_. It was embarrassing as all hell, but it was hot. Wait, was it the embarrassing part what was hot? Sometimes you think Dave knows more about what you want than you do yourself.

You may have retreated into your head, but you aren’t so removed to notice that when the turn for your apartment comes Dave doesn’t slow down, but keeps walking. You follow, tilting your head at Dave questioningly.

“Wanna see a movie? They’re playing _500 Days of Summer_ at the dollar theatre. I looked it up, there’s a showing at eleven thirty we can catch.”

Dave, suggesting a romance movie? It’s more than enough to raise your hackles. You lift your eyebrows and squint at him. “No.”

“Sorry, let me rephrase the question. Which one of us blew a load in his pants earlier?”

You groan. “Haven’t you punished me enough?”

Dave barks out a laugh. “Never.” You grimace, but keep following him. _500 days_ is one of your favorite movies, after all.

Dave keeps his arm around you all the way to the theatre. He even pays for the tickets. They’re only a couple bucks each, so you’re not exactly even for the night, but you think you can let it slide. You usually bypass the concession stand, but of course Dave ends up buying a pack of Twizzlers and a soda for himself.

The theatre is almost empty. There’s two other couples scattered around, one in the middle left, and one in the upper right part of the theatre. Dave heads towards the very top seats, directly in the middle.

Dave immediately lifts the arm rest between your two seats and snuggles into your side. You pet his hair, feeling a wave of affection as the lights dim around you.

\---

It’s only about thirty minutes into the movie when Dave starts shifting in his seat. You glare at him in the dark. It was just starting to get good. He pulls out the package of Twizzlers and rips it open.

He eats them weirdly, because he’s Dave and of course he does, and you find yourself growing increasingly distracted by what he’s doing. He sucks at the twizzler a little before biting the piece off to eat it. With every length of twizzler, the sucking portion gets longer and longer. He catches your eye in the dark and he grins. Fucker.

You turn back to the movie, but it’s no use. You are thoroughly distracted. Fuck it. You twist toward Dave and put your hand on his cheek. He immediately moves in like he was waiting for it all along, and you close the distance to seal your lips together softly. He tastes sweet and you deepen the kiss, licking the sugar out of his mouth. He sighs into you and you smile. You pull away to lean back in your chair, muted arousal buzzing in your gut but feeling satisfied. Two can play at this game, asshole.

Your smugness only lasts a few seconds because then, in the dim light of the theatre you watch him proceed to slip a hand into his pants, biting his lip. Your dick twitches interestedly and you clench your jaw. Your eyes helplessly fixate on the bulge in Dave’s pants as he rubs himself slowly. 

Dave’s eyes are closed, mouth parted softly. Your mind works overtime, supplying the soft moans and sighs you know he’d be making from memories of him touching himself like this at home. His other hand trails up his chest slowly and you follow it as it curls around his neck.

Just then his eyes snap open and he’s staring a hole through you. He extracts his fingers and drags them across your cheek in a mirror image of what you did to him earlier. But this time you can feel the wet trail they leave behind, you can smell him on his fingers. It sends yet another shock of heat through you. He puts his fingers to your lips and you inhale deeply, holding your only armrest in a death grip. You accept the silent invitation and part your lips, sucking his fingers one by one into your mouth.

You’re fully hard now. Dave finds your other hand and guides it to his waistband. Still working your mouth on his fingers, you put your hand inside his pants and nearly melt into your chair. When your fingers slip into his folds, the amount of wetness there makes your mouth dry. Oh god, might be the hottest thing that’s ever happened to you.

His fingers drop from your mouth and fly to his own as you slide your fingers over his clit. The angle doesn’t really allow for any decent penetration so you make do and rub into his slickness fast and hard, your neglected cock straining inside your jeans for... something, anything.

Dave keeps one hand over his mouth, chest heaving and looking at you, eyes wide and pleading. You can almost hear his voice in your head, chanting, _Don’t stop, Karkat, please don’t stop!_ Greedy little shit, you think, as you grind your palm harder against his crotch.

Dave’s legs start quaking, and you redouble your efforts. There’s a split second where he freezes, but you don’t still your fingers. The arm covering his mouth flies to the armrest, and the other one latches itself to your thigh. Then he’s coming apart, eyes wide, body arched and shivering under your touch, mouth open in an almost silent, gasped cry.

You rub him gently through the aftershocks, until he finally pulls your hand up, and then smiling devilishly, puts it into his mouth. Damnit. Each suck and tug, every swirl of his tongue over your fingers goes straight to your dick, until you are panting and shifting in your seat with fire running through your veins. After he finishes your last finger Dave releases your hand abruptly and stands up. He throws one leg over yours, sitting down and straddling your lap. Oh, fuck. A nervous thrill goes through you, sudden and electric.

Dave leans in and kisses you deeply, the taste of him filling your mouth and nostrils once more. Your brain spins like a top, and you buck up into him, seeking that delicious friction. You go to wrap your arms around his torso and pull him close, but with another quick kiss to your lips Dave hops off your lap just as suddenly as he appeared.

You can only gape at him as he starts to make his way down the aisle, your hips still gyrating into the now empty air. What the fresh fuck?

You need several moment to unscramble your brains enough to follow him, but he waits there in the aisle and eventually you calm down enough to join him, and you both leave the theatre.

“You know, the ending is my favorite part,” you manage to say as you step into the light, glancing down at your crotch to make sure nothing looks... astray.

Dave grins at you. “Sorry ‘Kat, but I’ve got something a little better in mind. A true cinematic finish, if you will. Will you?”

He’s looking at you with big red eyes and you’re still hot for him, so you nod. He grabs your hand, and you let him lead you outside once more.

It’s well after midnight, and the cool air feels amazing against your sweat slicked skin. Dave leads you down the street, mumbling something about the weather that you can’t make out, and for a second you think you’re headed back to your apartment, but he stops a block early, in front of the park.

You look at him questioningly, but he only puts a finger to his lips and pushes open the gate with his other hand. The two of you walk around the park for a little while; you’re following Dave as he waders this way and that on a seemingly random path. It’s silent other than the sound of your footsteps and the wind whistling through the trees. This goes on for at least five minutes. He honestly looks like a dog trying to find the perfect spot to take a piss.

“Dave, what in the asslicking fuck are we doing,” you hiss, as he finally pauses in front of a wooden bench somewhere towards the middle of the park.

“This is the last part of your punishment. Karkat, baby, I’m gonna fuck your brains out right here on this bench.”

“You’re going to _what?_ ” you say incredulously, even as you feel your dick starting to take a very eager interest in the situation. “Dave,” you sputter, glancing around, “We can’t… this is a public park!”

“So?”

Your face is flaming, but you ignore it. “So? Have you not a fucking inch of decorum in your body? This may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not actually interested in embarrassing the shit out of myself in public! So if you wanna get your rocks off on top of literal fucking rocks, you’ll be on your own!”

Dave is silent for a second. Then he raises his chin and squares up, facing you. “Okay. Then leave.”

God! Why is this the person you had to fall in love with! He’s so impossibly stubborn sometimes it’s just– Fuck!

You step forward and crash into Dave, pouring all your frustration into a brutal kiss. You bite at his lips, claw at his back through his shirt, anything to make him understand just what the fuck he’s been doing to you all day. Dave makes a startled sound, but then it’s like your energy is feeding him, he kisses back twice as hard, fingers digging into your hips. And then all at once he pushes you hard and you stumble, falling backward onto the bench.

Just like in the movie theatre, Dave positions himself on top of you, fitting your hips together and pressing his chest against yours. He latches onto your neck and sucks, and you shudder, pleasant heat engulfing your body.

He rocks his hips and you cry out. “Shhh!” He throws his head back and laughs then, and the light catches his eyes. They sparkle red in the moonlight, and you swear you could actually swoon. How is someone this beautiful allowed to be in your arms?

“Ah fuck,” he grunts, jumping off of you. “Pants.”

He jumps off of you, unbuttoning his pants and shucking them off somehow over his shoes. You turn your head to look around again, but the park is dead. When you look back Dave is tying the sweater he was wearing to his waist, completely pantsless.

Now that you’re dealing with the mechanics of actually having sex in public, your interest is waning somewhat in the shadow of anxiety and logistics.

Dave doesn’t seem perturbed. “You’re fucking gorgeous ‘Kat. I love you.”

You cover your face with your hands. “Don’t tell me you love me while you’re standing, wearing no pants in a public park!”

He puts his hands on his hips. “I’ll tell you I love you wherever I want.” Then he moves forward to stand over you and kisses you again, which does a lot to get you back into the mood. Below you, Dave fumbles with the front of your pants, unbuttoning them and boldy grabbing hold of you.

You let out a hiss, and he smirks. “You sure you don’t wanna do this?”

“Fuck off,” you grunt, as your hips push upward into his hands. He pulls down your pants and underwear then, just enough so that your cock springs out into the open air. A small thrill goes through you, like an electric shock.

Dave mounts you again, but this time he crawls up on the bench, putting both feet up on either side of your thighs and leaning his entire body against yours, with his hands around your neck. He grunts a little with the effort and you have to ask. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t answer, and instead just settles down on you. You quite literally lose your mind when feel the silky wetness of him against your dick. He slides onto you easy, like he’s been fucking you for hours, and your entire body shakes as he settles down and takes you to the hilt. The squeeze around your cock is warm and wet and pleasure radiates through you so fast you’re almost a little dizzy.

“Dave, _fuck!_ ”

As it goes, he hasn’t even moved yet and it’s a struggle to keep your eyes open. “I love you,” Dave says again. You go to respond, but the words are knocked clear from your brain when Dave moves, lifting his ass up and falling back onto your cock.

Your mouth falls open and he kisses you, quickly setting a brutal pace with his hips. You claw at his back as he buries his head in your neck and rides you.

You are just a vessel. Nothing but the swirling sensations of pleasure coming from Dave’s repeated bouncing on your dick, his quiet moans and the sweet, slick heat that’s shared between you.

Dave pulls back, gazing into your eyes as he moves his hips, grinding down hard. He puts one hand down to touch himself between your bodies, feeding the roaring fire in the pit of your stomach. His slow moans become higher pitched cries. When his movements become a little weaker you grab his ass with both hands under his sweater and buck into him as hard as you can.

His eyes widen and he gasps like the air has been knocked out of him. His syllables are long and drawn out and faltering, “Oh shit, Karkat—”

His body convulses, he’s close and you’re not very far behind. There’s a whining sound that's coming from your own mouth, fueled by the meeting of your hips and the pleasurable coil that’s winding tight inside you, ready to release. You’re seconds from reaching that peak but you need something…

“Dave, I— _Fuck!_ Fuck you and your dumbfuck rules!”

Dave breathes out a laugh and leans forward to one side of your head. You feel his warm breathy pants and when he talks his lips catch sweetly on your ear. “Come for me Karkat,” he whispers, and the command goes straight to your dick.

Your orgasm hits you like the tide, heated pleasure crashing down on you in relentless waves, so much that it’s all you can do to crush Dave to your chest as your hips stutter wildly, your breath coming in harsh gasps.

One of Dave’s hands finds your hair as he pulls himself up and down on you with renewed vigor. You grip his hips and let him ride you until his whole body jolts, his back arching as he comes with a squeak of your name.

Holy shit. Dave's not holding onto anything anymore, he’s dropped down to his knees and is collapsed against you, still shivering from his orgasm. You are supporting him, patting at his back as you take heavy breaths.

“I love you,” you whisper into his ear, and he jerks.

“I love you too. Consider your debt settled,” he says, after a few seconds.

You sit like that, for you’re not sure how long, until your legs start to fall asleep. “Dave. Hey, we should get home.”

You can feel Dave nod against the side of your face, otherwise unmoving. You nudge him, lifting up one of your thighs to get him off balance. “Let’s go, you’re not exactly Miss America over here.”

At that, he lifts his head. “Are you calling me fat?”

“Shut the fuck up and get off my dick.”

Groaning, he gets up and you slide out of him. You pull up your underwear and pants over the mess of your crotch with a grimace. You watch Dave wipe at himself with his own sweater and cringe. “Jesus Christ Dave, you’re repulsive!”

“Excuse me,” he says, wiggling on his pants, “Are you gonna talk to me like that when it’s your hot baby juice I got running down my legs?”

“This was your dumb fuck idea! This entire day was the product of some half assed love child between your complete lack of logic and your dysfunctional frontal lobe!”

“Ahhh now,” he says, walking over to you and pushing your shoulder. “You know you loved it.”

A contented tiredness washes over you as you consider this. Putting your arm around him as you both make your way out of the deserted park by the light of the moon, you decide that yes, you did. 

**Author's Note:**

> kick it with me at [davekatprompts.tumblr.com](http://davekatprompts.tumblr.com)


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